Would You Like to Know a Secret?

It's Christmas time! Since it's the holiday season, I've given myself the gift of spending more time as Molly over the week between Christmas and New Year. I also bought myself some new shoes, but that's a different story. In spending extra time as Molly, I've also been thinking that there are a lot of girls out there who don't have the luxury of going en femme this week, and that kind of breaks my heart. It also makes me think about a bunch of other things. So, at the risk of sounding like a braggy, boastful little bitch, I'd like to talk about something that's been on my mind lately. Namely, acceptance, being out, and fear.


Now don't get me wrong, Molly is still a pretty well-kept secret around here. I'm kinda out, meaning that a handful of friends, the majority of whom live in other cities, know about her, and my wife knows. Professionally though, and with the people I interact with every day, I'm so deep in the closet that Molly has regular conversations with Aslan. I don't, however, live in daily fear for my life/livelihood that a lot of girls do. In my short time as a crossdresser, I've talked to a lot of other CDs online, and in person, who live every day with the fear of being outed. Their wives would leave them. They'd lose their jobs. They'd be socially ostracized. It's terrifying, and heart breaking.

Thing is, it's easy for me to say, "How the hell did you not tell your wife, who you've shared a bed with and raised a family with for X number of years, that you like to dress up like a girl?" That's really unfair of me, though. I have a family/work situation that is, shall we say, unique among crossdressers. I'm out to my wife, who accepts Molly because Molly makes me happy. I live in a pretty GLBT friendly area. My friends, those I'm not out to, are largely GLBT friendly. I work at home and I work in an industry where dressing up as a girl is the least weird fetish/hang-up I could have. My parents, and the majority of my family, live a thousand or more miles away and most are only barely literate let know how the internet works. I'm just not that worried about being recognized, being outed. Because, honestly, no one is going to care that much.

Well, some are. I have a couple of friends who would be seriously uncomfortable with it, a couple for religious reasons and one just because GLBT folks make him uncomfortable (the one flaw in an otherwise awesome dude. Well, that and he's a fucking know-it-all, but I digress). Where I'm going with all this is that right now, sitting on my couch all dressed up and from behind the safety of my computer screen, I just want to come out to everyone right now. Now, you don't have to tell me that this is probably a very poorly considered idea. There are a lot of reasons I'm in the closet. I'm not ready for people to know, I want to protect The Wife and The Kid. I kind of want to keep Molly to myself. I don't know, those may be bullshit reasons, and there are probably deeper things going on, but I couldn't name them right now (plus, that something for me and my shrink to figure out).

There are times though, and today is one of them, when I want to just walk out in the front yard and holler, "Hey, you! I like to dress like a girl!" I want to tell all my friends. I want to talk to my nieces about makeup (they're 13, doubleplus embarrassing!) I want Molly to be accepted in all the places that regular me is accepted. I want to have the option of appearing en femme when I hang out with my friends. Yeah yeah, I want I want I want. An if wishes were fishes we'd never go hungry. There's something about dressing that makes me want to dress more. Be exposed more. Let more people know. It's true that I can be an over-sharer, but there's something about Molly, or the idea of Molly maybe, that I want to share with everyone. Who knows, maybe someday I'll actually do it. Until then, there's always Aslan.